5. Not All Same-Sex Kisses Are Gay
I’m not the first person to point this issue out, but it still deserves to be addressed here anyway: This is some fucking hypocrisy. When two men are dared to kiss, it warrants interrogation and condemnation, but when two women are dared to kiss, holla!!! Someone’s got to tell Keith and Denzel that just because something doesn’t give them a boner, that doesn’t make it gross for everyone.
When Mirjana and Kari make out during a game of Truth or Dare, each of their love interests - just days after displaying minimal tolerance for a Matthew and Will kiss - are overjoyed at the scene. None of them seem the least bit concerned that either girl is now gay even though, by Mirjana’s own logic, she is at least bisexual after this smooch.
It’s all the more infuriating when Matthew and Will are paired to kiss/bite each other during the commercial shoot and Denzel runs his mouth again.
"I mean, I’m all for modeling, but I don’t want to be with a man," says Denzel. "There’s certain things I don’t think my body is capable of even if I tried."
No one asked, Denzel, but thanks for clarifying. Good to know he’s straight. Denzel is sooo straight… (audience: “How straight is he?!”)… Denzel is so straight that he:
- won’t look up “gavel” in the dictionary because it might be on the same page as “gay.”
- says “no homo” after every sentence he says - even those that don’t sound remotely suggestive - to remind people that he is not, in fact, homosexual.
- only booches in an extremely masculine manner.
Would he really not be able to allow his lips to touch another man’s “even if he tried”? Doubt it - seems pretty easy, there’s no heterosexual forcefield that would get in the way of that if he actually tried. The one thing we know his body truly isn’t capable of is growing a beard, and that hasn’t stopped him gluing fake hair to his face. That can’t possibly be a better idea than putting his lips on a dude.
Bisexual Mirjana explains that she has a deep “mental” connection with Straight Denzel. The less we say about the Line App, the better, but I do think the fact that Mirjana is able to have a conversation with Denzel entirely with stickers speaks to why they connect mentally. (Hint: they’re both dumb.)
Alas, stickers aren’t enough to reassure Denzel of his relationship with Mirjana when he watches her suck face with Keith for the commercial. Denzel even worries that Mirjana has feelings for Keith. Geez, Denzel, if you’re going to be jealous of somebody, how about that guy that Mirjana continues to refer to as her “boyfriend” back home? That makes a lot more sense, you know?
Or you could just stare creepily when Mirjana is complimented on her chemistry with Keith. You really look like an alpha male now, dawg.
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